Well… there it is. Now, the game has definitely changed. And with a full day since the Season 7 Premiere, I can accurately determine what would be the best possible outcome for the people in Rick’s group.
I know I wasn’t the only thinking about what I would do as Negan paced back and forth giving his speech or speeches…I really don’t remember. He talked A LOT.
Here are the best outcomes ranked from worst to best.
3. Lucille + your cranium = brains on the grass.
Nobody wants that. Right now, I can’t possibly think of a worst way to go out. You got the eye pop. Or the twitching on the ground. Or your body looking perfectly regular but everything from your shoulders up looking all “Gallagher’y“. Nah… fuck that. You ain’t about to smack upside the head with your modified bat then continue to talk to me and make a spectacle of my death while I’m all dented up.
2a (tie). Death by zombies. Remember “Everybody Hates Chris”?
Or this chick?
Or this guy?
Everything about that looks painful. Hard pass. But this outcome is still better than #3.
2b (tie). Living. Let’s be honest with ourselves for a minute. It’s the zombie apocalypse. Everything is fucked. You’ve spent the last few months wandering around, fighting zombies, searching for food, burying friends. What’s the point?
You were at probably your greatest high, pre-Negan. Now you’re at the lowest of lows. How do you move on? It’s not like a party got out hand and you went streaking through the lobby at a Courtyard Marriott. No you can’t come back from that.
The next couple of team breakfasts are gonna be super awkward. Maggie is gonna be tight about what she just saw. Even Rosita and Sasha who were in a weird love triangle with Abe are gonna be pissed.
Now you have to produce and give all of your supplies to Negan too. So, the guy who baseball batted your friends is now gonna be taking your chickens, toilet paper, Pop Tarts, Bandaids…. ALL OF IT. And you have to live like a coward. I’m a pass on that.
You can try to turn some of Negan’s forces against him. But why would they join forces with this guy…
As opposed to this “Bad Hombre”…
He even stunts on ’em better than Rick. He’s got Lucille. First, who names their bat? A crazy person. He’s got a snazzy red scarf, a bitching Wilsons leather jacket. You have no idea what he might do. I wouldn’t be amazed if he had a Bevel trimmer to get his beard just right too.
And when they inevitably turn Rick’s bullshit offer down they’re gonna run back to Negan and snitch like…
And after Negan finds out more of this…
Or you can build up your forces to fight Negan.
Pass on that too. The Saviors got more numbers than you. More weapons than you.
Two of your best fighters are dead with the other Darryl having Lord knows what being done to him. Who do you have left? Morgan and his stick? Carol? Or this dude and his duster jacket?
And you also might need to come to grips with they might just be better at this than you. There comes a time where you have to say, “I’m not built for this shit.” And when you come to that realization you will see why the number one outcome for this scenario is…
1. Death by firearm. No… not shooting yourself like mustached Anglo-Zack De La Rocha…
I’m talking forcing the Saviors’ hand by making somebody shoot you….preferably in the head. So get up. Run away. Grab a gun. Because if you have a gun, they have to shoot you. It’s quick. Get it over with. This world is wack. There’s no hope. If there was hope, it just got Sammy Sosa’d out of your friends skulls.
Maybe the rankings will change as this season develops. But that’s where we’re at right now.
If you want some more apocalypse fun, check out my new book Scattered Screams available on Amazon.